Many people planning a summer
vacation this year, 2012, are finding their options limited. Because of the
recession, money may be scarce. The exorbitant price of gas makes even short
trips expensive, and when the cost of food and accommodations are taken into
account, many families simply will not be able to afford a trip away from home.
Rather than waste time bemoaning
the loss of the traditional summer vacation journey, why not concentrate on the
advantages of spending your free time this year enjoying the comfort of your
own home and the enjoying attractions offered in the surrounding area?
Advantages of a summer
"staycation":
* Financial Advantages
It will not be necessary to shell
out extra cash for decent accommodations or expensive restaurant meals. You may
plan to eat out more than usual during your holiday, but you already know where
the reasonably priced eating places are located in your vicinity. Each family
member might choose a favorite spot to dine out on a different night during the
vacation period.
There will be no extra charges to
access laundry facilities, to board pets, to make long-distance calls home, and
you won't be expected to bring back souvenirs for family and friends since you
haven't gone anywhere.
* Emotional advantages
Forget about doing last-minute
loads of wash, frenzied packing, fighting congested highway traffic, sibling
arguments in the back seat and endless queries, "Are we there yet?"
There will be no emotional
letdown on arriving home, often more tired and frazzled than when you left,
knowing the fun is over for this summer, and facing a mountain of dirty
laundry.
Staycations, handled wisely, can
be an excellent chance for spending quality time with the family. Visiting
local points of interest, star-gazing in the backyard, picnics in the park,
having movie marathons lasting until midnight with no curfew for the kids,
these are the ingredients of happy memories.
* Health advantages
There will be no worries about
allergies to unfamiliar flora or fauna, food or drink. You won't bring home
bedbugs, those creepy insects which seem to have been lurking in so many
motels, hotels and other lodging places recently. A change in water won't
result in constipation or worse, diarrhea. If any health problems arise, you're
close to your family doctor, who is familiar with any underlying health conditions
you may have.
You'll be able to get extra
relaxation and rest. After the holiday, family members will return to school or
work refreshed and rejuvenated.
One family, of the author's
acquaintance, hid all the clocks in the home during the holiday period, and
lived strictly by observing the promptings of their biological clocks. They
found it such a liberating experience, that they now follow the practice during
every vacation, even on long weekends.
Summer holidays at home can be a
joyous experience. Since everyone is on vacation; everyone is free to do their
own thing within reasonable limits. Since Mom is on vacation too, everyone has
a responsibility to clean up after themselves. The older children who show
maturity by helping the younger ones will be rewarded with even more freedom.
This summer, why not plan to
spend the holiday in the comfort and convenience of your own home? It's a
cheaper, less stressful, and healthier alternative to the usual hassle of a
vacation trip away to a distant destination.
Actually, when you stop to think
of it, you are very fortunate. There are probably thousands of people around
the globe who wish they could visit your part of the country for their own
summer vacation this year, but who can't afford to do so.
Some people love to argue. I knew
a married couple like that once; it seemed as if their entire relationship
consisted of one sniping at the other, who would then respond in kind. To a
casual observer it seemed as if they must really hate each other. I wondered
why they stayed married.
Eventually the husband passed away. The wife was devastated. Her normal
grieving pattern turned into severe depression and she herself died within a
year. She really loved him after all, although their way of relating was through
constant argument.
Most of us would hate that type
of relationship. We are taught from childhood to be polite, kind, thoughtful,
and respectful when dealing with others, especially those whom you're supposed
to love. However, often it's a family member who feels secure enough in the
relationship to try to start an argument.
You'll be aware when the bait is tossed your way. It may be a statement with
which you're bound to disagree, an implied or direct criticism of something
you've said or done, or a disparaging comment about you, or one of your friends
or family. Argumentative people usually know how to push the sensitive buttons
of people around them.
Here are a few ways to stay calm when provoked:
* Look the offender in the eye, state simply, "I'm sorry you feel that
way." Resume what you were doing. If the barbs keep coming, go on to the
next suggestion.
* Walk away. It takes two to have an argument. Do something you enjoy. Call a
friend, grab a book, turn on the TV, read your e-mail. There are better ways to
spend your time than listening to a quarrelsome individual.
* Consider the physical damage your would-be adversary is doing to himself.
Look at him closely, the tightly-drawn face, the clenched fists, the white
knuckles. His blood pressure is probably sky-high. Tsk! Tsk! If he keeps this
type of behaviour up, he won't last long. Refuse to contribute to his early
demise. Leave and follow suggestion # 2.
* State calmly and plainly that you consider the remark to be inane, rude,
offensive, in poor taste, unmerited, unacceptable, ill-mannered, impudent
and/or churlish (choose appropriate adjectives or use them all), and that you
will not dignify it with a reply. If he cares to rephrase his thought later and
put it in more acceptable terms, you'll give it some consideration. Leave and
follow suggestion #2.
* Ask him to put his concerns in writing. You have a headache and you require
absolute silence.
* If all else fails, leave the scene completely. It you're not at home, go
there. Otherwise, go out for coffee, visit a friend, go shopping or take in a
movie.
While you're away, reflect on possible causes of this argumentative behaviour.
Has your opponent had a spate of bad luck recently? Are there medical issues to
consider? Why are they deliberately trying to provoke an argument? Are they
trying to distance themselves from you, either temporarily or permanently?
If this is normal behaviour, then
you have other choices to consider. If things remain as they are , how much
will you be required to be in this person's company in the future? Can you live
with present behaviour? If not, what are your options?
Sometimes it's just thoughtlessness, insensitivity or impulsiveness which lead
to argumentative remarks. In these cases a heart-to-heart discussion of just how
these comments make you feel may do the trick. In more severe cases, professional
counselling or an anger management course may be needed.
If arguments escalate to physical violence, or if the argumentative comments
become increasingly critical or cruel and the victim's psychological health
becomes adversely affected, it's time to end the association.
It's a fallacy that physical abuse is the most harmful element in any dysfunctional
relationship. Physical scars heal in time. Emotional wounds can last a
lifetime. Argumentative individuals are often very skilled at administering
emotional wounds, and there are no visible scars to give them away.
I don't care what you say! I'm
going to go anyway and you can't stop me!" A spoiled child venting his
anger at his mother, because she won't let him do something that is probably
harmful and maybe dangerous, you think?
No, a grown man is reacting to
his wife's request that he forgo one of his weekly nights out with the boys to
attend her parents' anniversary party. How should she handle the temper
tantrum? This adult-child is too old and too big to be sent to his room for a "Time
Out".
It is highly likely that his next
move will be to turn on his heel, head for the nearest exit, stamping his feet
as hard as he can on the way, and leave, slamming the door behind him. In that
case, no immediate action on her part is necessary, or expected.
If he stays, ready to continue or
possibly escalate the drama, her best move is to remain calm and try to
evaluate the seriousness of the tantrum. Is he completely out of control, or
just being a bully and trying to intimidate her? If he has lost control, she
needs to leave: go to a neighbor's, run an errand, or visit a girlfriend .
There's no sense trying to talk to someone who's irrational, and it could be
dangerous.
If he's just trying to assert his
authority as head of the household and ruler of the world, it's best to put a
stop to those antics before they become a habit. She should inform Gonzilla
that she will not be spoken to in that manner and, that when he is ready to
discuss the matter calmly, they can try to work out a compromise.
Then, she should leave the room
and make coffee, take a long washroom break, or take a book and read on the
patio. Just be unavailable for awhile.
During the break in the action,
the wife needs to ask herself some in-depth questions.
(a) Is this new behavior? If so,
a medical exam may be in order.
(b) Is she in personal danger? If
so, she should leave, and not return home, but arrange to stay with family or
friends for a few days.
(c) Does she still love the guy?
(e) If she leaves, what needs to
happen before she returns home, to ensure that this situation doesn't recur?
(f) If she's still at home, how
can the present problem be resolved and what steps can be taken to propel the
spouse toward more mature behavior in the future?
If she hasn't judged it necessary
to leave, the wife needs to have a long talk with her mate after he has settled
down. He needs to know that she must be considered a partner and an equal in
the union. They should be working together, each trying to accommodate the
other's needs and preferences.
Perhaps he can go out with the
boys for the early part of the evening and join her later at her parents' home.
Or, the boys could go out another evening that week. A solution can usually be
worked out as long as both partners can discuss matters calmly and in good
faith.
The spouse needs to firmly
stipulate that, on the occasion of the next temper tantrum, a course
in anger management will become necessary. She may decide to accompany him,
for personal growth, or just to be sure he attends as agreed.
If she has deemed it necessary to
leave home, but if she still loves her husband and wants to try to save the
marriage, she must decide on terms under which she will return. For instance,
he has to have completed a course in anger management and have attended at
least two appointments with a reputable psychologist for personal counseling. He
may have some issues with his mother that need to be resolved, and he needs
help to realize the advantages of having a wife who's a partner, rather than a
parent substitute.
Temper tantrums are unpleasant in
children, but totally inappropriate when dealing with an adult who is supposed
to be a lover, a soul mate, and a lifelong companion.
Most children, both big and
small, eventually grow up, but some take longer than tan others. And sometimes,
they need a little outside help
Wake up and smell the coffee, my friend!
Why would you even consider being
friends with someone who had an affair with your spouse? This person is just
not someone who would make a good friend or even an acceptable acquaintance.
Here are some reasons why:
* They are amoral. When the
friendship began, they probably learned your spouse was legally wed to someone
else. They learned about the children who depended on him or her and about the
legal and moral responsibilities which your spouse had willingly assumed. Yet
they allowed the relationship to develop to the stage of intimacy without
respect for the laws of God or man.
An honorable person would have
insisted that the one to whom they were attracted attain a divorce from the
present spouse before entering a new relationship.
* They are selfish. Did they
consider the feelings of your spouse's children or mate when they entered the
affair? Not likely. They saw something they wanted and took it, without regard
for any damage their behavior would inflict on others.
* They are untrustworthy. If they
couldn't be trusted with the one person who was the most important mainstay in
your life, how could you ever possibly consider them a friend and trust them
with lesser matters?
* They are short-sighted. They
will never have the advantage of being the "one and only" in your
spouse's life. Even if the affair proceeds to the point of marriage, the
interloper will always be the second choice. Ex-spouses entering second
marriages carry a lot of baggage, not to mention financial and custodial
obligations to the former family.
* Let's be honest. In time, the
wild attraction of a new affair cools off. Most married couples after ten years
have much different relationships than they did in the first few months of
passionate wedded bliss.
If you befriend this person who
"borrowed" your spouse for a fling, or even for a more permanent
relationship, eventually you'll have to listen to sorrowful tales of how your
mate didn't live up to expectations, ( as if you didn't already know!)
Worst of all, you may find the
unworthy speciman of a supposedly-faithful, reliable and loving spouse dumped
right back in your lap when your "friend" once again moves on to
greener pastures. Is that what you really want?
Ask yourself honestly: "Do I
really want a friend who is amoral, selfish, untrustworthy, and
short-sighted?" In fact, when you think about it, these very same
qualities are equally applicable to your unfaithful spouse. They deserve each
other!
The wisest decision you can make
is to distance yourself from both of them as quickly and completely as
possible. The world is filled with millions of nice people. Your own city
probably contains thousands, many potential new friends and possible
unattached, romantic interests. Leave the losers to enjoy each other's company
and reach out boldly to embrace a new and better tomorrow.
Break-ups are painful. It doesn't
matter whether it's a marriage, a relationship, or a long-term friendship that
has come to an end, parting and starting over is one of the more difficult
tasks a person will confront during his lifetime. The party who initiated the
split usually has a less difficult time, but both individuals must adapt to
thinking and acting independently again, to adjusting to new and different
routines, and to meeting and interacting with new people.
The individual who receives
notification that the break-up is imminent is in a less enviable position. He
must deal with the initial shock or surprise, while exploring options and
making plans for a more solitary lifestyle. He may also be plagued with
questions which probably have no answers. "What did I do wrong?",
" What should I have done differently?", "Why did this happen to
me?"
The truth of the matter probably
is that one person changed and grew in a new direction while the other didn't.
Whether the change was for better or worse will remain to be seen, but
meanwhile, their aims, values and desired lifestyles no longer coincide. It's
nobody's fault, it's just the way things are.
How does the partner who is left,
regain his or her self-confidence? There are a variety of measures to be taken,
and one definite activity that must be avoided. He must not sit around feeling
sorry for himself and bemoaning his fate for an extended period of time.
After allowing himself several days to several weeks of grieving, he
should begin to implement some constructive strategies, such as the following:
* Make a list of all your
abilities and strengths. Plan how to put them into use in ways that will
benefit others. Are you good cook? Volunteer at a soup kitchen or take a meal
to a shut-in neighbor. Are you sympathetic and a good listener? Visit seniors'
residences or long-term care facilities, volunteer at the Distress Line. When
you bring joy to others, and they depend on you. it does wonders for your
self-confidence..
* Perk up your appearance. Have
your hair done, your teeth whitened, buy a few new, sporty articles of
clothing. Stand tall, smile and laugh, be pleasant to everyone. Cheerful,
upbeat people are welcome almost anywhere, anytime.
* Contact old friends, especially
the unattached ones. In any group of singles, somebody is always having a
crisis of some sort . Be available to help out. Be the one everyone calls on
when they're having difficulties. Nothing builds confidence like being needed
and relied upon by others.
* Find a church congregation
where you feel at home. Rediscover your inherent worth as a child of God. You
were made to God's specific directions, and he deals in quality. There's a plan
for your life and you are in the process of discovering it.
* In your spare time, if you have
any, think about the person you'd like to have in your future, whether as a
friend or as someone closer. Try to spend some time in places that type of
person might be. If you want the quiet, knowledgeable type, visit the library
several times a week. If you want a sports lover, go to ball games. If you want
an animal lover, volunteer at the Humane Society.
* Remind yourself often that the
world is full of millions of nice people, most of whom you have never met.
There are thousands who would be compatible with you, but they won't come and
find you if you're home feeling sorry for yourself. Get up, get out there and
circulate! Believe that if you can brighten one other person's existence today,
the entire day may be considered a success!
Later in life, when the break-up
is only a dim memory, you may look back on it as one of the more fortunate
episodes in your life. It enabled you to move on and to find the one with whom
you were meant to have a special relationship for the rest of your days. It's
been said that every cloud has a silver lining, but in this case, it may turn
out to be a lining of eighteen-carat gold!
I (name), take you (name), to be
my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for
worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to
cherish; from this day forward until death do us part." Traditional wedding vow
This solemn vow, taken by loving couples in the sight of God, family, and
friends on their wedding day, no longer seems to signify the unwavering
commitment it did in past generations. Sadly, nearly half of all contemporary
marriages end in divorce.
Divorce is a difficult experience
for everyone: the couple themselves, their children, and their families and
friends. There is a process to undergo, similar to grieving a death, and a new
reality to which everyone must adjust.
What are the causes of divorce? What factors make cohabitation so difficult
that one or both spouses cannot no longer tolerate the situation? Here are some
issues that may be at the root of the problems:
* LACK OF COMMUNICATION
Every couple will have
disagreements. When spouses cannot communicate, share their grievances and
negotiate compromises, hostilities will be repressed. They will resurface at a
later date, over a minor, totally unrelated incident or they will continue to
fester and grow. A build-up of repressed hostility in one or both partners will
soon destroy any relationship.
* CHEATING
When one partner breaks the
marriage vows, the all-important bond or trust is severed. Sometimes it can be
repaired, but often it cannot. In today's society, with the prevalence of STDs,
the cheating partner is risking not only his or her own life and health, but
also that of the faithful spouse.
* FINANCES
Money is the source of many
marital disagreements. There should be an agreement before the wedding on each
partner's fair contribution to household expenses, on who will manage the bank
account, and on how major expenditures will be decided upon. Again,
communication and negotiating skill will pay a vital role in these decisions.
*MISMATCH
Sometimes young couples mistake
infatuation for true love. When the excitement of the courtship period wears
off, as it surely will, they find that they have little in common, and in fact,
they may not even like each other. Sooner or later, one or the other will
decide to end the parody of a marriage.
*ABUSE
Physical, mental, emotional or
verbal abuse of one spouse by the other should not be tolerated. It may be wise
for the couple to separate while they seek counselling to see if the marriage
can be salvaged. If not, the abused partner will need psychological help to
enable her/him to move on and perhaps find a more satisfying relationship.
*ADDICTION
Sometimes one spouse becomes
addicted to alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling or other destructive
behaviour, so that the family's finances, security, and lifestyle are
significantly affected. If the addict refuses to get help, divorce may result.
* EXHAUSTION
In today's economic climate, it
is often necessary for both partners to work. If one spouse is carrying more
than his or her fair share of the load, the marriage will become increasingly
troubled. Because of living in a perpetual state of fatigue, the overworked
mate will be irritable, resentful and uncooperative. Marriage breakdown will
result, probably sooner rather than later.
*DIFFERENCE IN CULTURE OR
RELIGION
Differences which seemed
unimportant in the fiery glow of young love can become major obstacles in the
cold reality of everyday married life. When children arrive the disparities are
magnified. Lasting unions are most often between those of similar cultures,
religious views and backgrounds.
Premarital counselling is
available through many church communities and/or social agencies. It is
worthwhile for a couple contemplating marriage to invest time and effort in
participating in these sessions. Many potential trouble areas may be identified
and resolved before they become major obstacles to a successful marriage.
Young couples on their wedding
day stand poised on the threshold of a lifetime of mutual love, support, growth
and harmony. Their Creator, their families and friends gather to witness their
exchange of solemn vows. It would be prudent also to offer a silent prayer that
this marriage will be among the fortunate fifty per cent that will last until
death do them part.
Did your guy have a wife, a
fiancee, or a girlfriend when you met him? Did he ditch his former partner to
start a relationship with you? If the answers to these questions is
"Yes!" you had better stay alert, because you might be in for
trouble.
If he walked away from a
partnership which had produced children, especially if these children were
still quite young, you may want to rethink starting a relationship with him, or
at least postpone making a definite commitment for a considerable length of time.
By his previous behaviour, your
man has shown the following personality traits:
(A) Selfishness. Certainly he was
attracted to you, and that's understandable. Everyone in a committed
relationship will be attracted to someone else at sometime or other. Most
people have the self-discipline to be faithful to the existing relationship and
walk away from temptation. However this character, like a child with an bag
full of Halloween candy, wanted to sample more than one treat. What makes you
think that you will be the last to tempt him?
(B) Immaturity. Obviously, he was
not ready to settle down and be a family man. He's still in the "sowing
wild oats" period of his life. When the next appealing fertile field presents
itself, you may well find yourself discarded, when the Romeo of the
agricultural scene edges stealthily away from you and waltzes merrily on to his
next conquest.
(C) Irresponsibility. Someone
else was depending on him, for love, for support, for companionship and for
fidelity. If children were involved, his responsibilities were multiplied and
even more onerous. However, this fellow was able to brush off his
responsibilities like dandruff from the shoulders of a black suit. His own
pleasure and comfort took precedence over everyone and everything else.
Unfortunately, the heartbreak and problems he left behind were probably a lot
more significant than a few flakes of dandruff.
(D) Inconsistency. At some point
in time, your beloved believed that his former partnership with all the
responsibilities it entailed, were what he truly wanted for the rest of his
life. If he was married, he exchanged solemn vows to that effect. Somewhere
along the line, he changed his mind. If such a total reversal in his affections
and intentions has already occurred once, does it not seem to be within the
realm of possibility that it could happen again?
Why are some men serial cheaters?
It is because they are selfish, immature, irresponsible and inconsistent. These
traits aren't always obvious at first and it takes a mature and insightful
woman to recognize them.
Often, it takes a long period of
time, until the first bloom of romance has worn off the new relationship, that
your new flame's true colors begin to appear. That is why it is advisable to
wait for a considerable length of time before entering into a serious,
committed relationship.
Will these males ever outgrow
their dreadful personality traits? I'm not sure, but a broken leg, a heart
condition, or severe arthritis seem to be steps in the right direction.
