When you first learn your spouse has cheated, how to handle the situation is probably not your first concern. Recovering your equilibrium after the severe shock will be the first item on your agenda.
Whether you discover the betrayal through an admission of guilt from your mate, through a third party or through a series of circumstances, really doesn't matter. You will feel as if you've been hit by a sledge hammer. You need time to adjust to a new reality.
As you pause to think, your past together will seem like nothing but a web of lies and pretenses, the present like a cold, black vacuum, and the future, a gigantic question mark followed by a bottomless void.
Take a little time to organize your thoughts. The betrayal has occurred, nothing can change that fact. You must decide what you want the ultimate outcome of the situation to be. Could you forgive and the forget if asked to do so? Would you ever be able to trust the culprit again, or would your future life become an series of anxiety-filled episodes during which suspicions, groundless or not, make your life miserable?
Much depends on your own personality, your early training, and your philosophy of marriage. Try to clarify and organize your own thoughts and emotions before you confront your spouse.
If possible, obtain proof of the infidelity: a credit card bill, a copy of an e-mail message, or a reliable witness who will speak up if requested to do so.
Marriage is, at the least, a contract. To Christians, marriage is a sacred covenant. When one party has broken the contract, or covenant, one of three outcomes will follow: it will remain permanently broken, it will be mended, or it may be determined that there never was a valid marriage in the first place.
Much will depend on your spouse's reaction to your disclosure of your knowledge of the affair. Here are some possible scenarios:
*The infidelity is denied. This is when you produce your proof.
* The infidelity is admitted. Your spouse wants a divorce to marry the third party. It is still a free country. Lose no time in engaging a competent divorce lawyer.
* The infidelity is admitted but your spouse wants to try to repair the marriage. This is why you should have your emotions sorted out and your priorities clear. Do you still love your partner? Do you believe it is possible to repair the marriage? Are you willing to invest the necessary time, effort and financial outlay to do so? Marriage counselling is a definite necessity if you decide to try this option.
* Roman Catholic Christians should consult their parish priest about the possibility of obtaining an annulment. Since the Second Vatican Council (1962-1965) there are more grounds for obtaining declarations of nullity than there were previously.
When a marriage breaks up because of one partner's infidelity, in the eyes of the wronged spouse it is similar to a death. Not only has the relationship died, but the man or woman to whom he or she thought they were wed, has disappeared. There is bound to be a period of grief and mourning.
Fortunately, nothing lasts forever. In time, the sun rises, flowers bloom again and summer returns. Those who are not destroyed by a bad experience, emerge from it wiser and stronger.
The next plunge they take into the sea of matrimony will probably be with a partner who is more compatible with their personality type. And, after the first unfortunate experience, they will have a much better chance, the second time, of living happily ever after.
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