Positives and negatives of adjusting to life as a single parent

With roughly half of marriages ending in divorce, many twenty-first century parents find themselves suddenly faced with a frightening new reality. Their spouse has departed, leaving them with the entire responsibility of managing the ups and downs, the crises and the surprises, the scheduling and maintenance of their family's day-to-day existence. This is not a task for the faint-hearted, but neither is it an impossible situation. The future holds both challenges and opportunities to the new head of the single-parent family.

The negative aspects will likely be the first to become apparent.

* There will be less disposable income. Even if child-support payments are made regularly, there will be a shortfall of funds compared to the amount previously available. The children should be made aware of the situation, and understand, "We can't afford it," means exactly that. Perhaps they could help out with part-time jobs, like paper routes, if that option is practical. Everyone will have to make sacrifices for the good of the group.

* Only one parent will make the decisions, do the budgeting. the disciplining, and make plans and schedules for the family. Some of the children's extracurricular activities may have to be cut. One person has only so much time and energy. A single parent must learn to manage these precious commodities carefully.

* Because of added efforts and responsibility, the custodial parent may become stressed, short of patience, and depressed. This is not good for anyone. Mom or Dad will need to be kind to themselves, to take time for fun activities, both with the children and on their own. They need to make time and opportunities for adult companionship. The children will only be as happy and well-adjusted as the custodial parent.

*There will difficult times, such as Graduations, Thanksgiving, and other celebrations when the absent parent will be especially missed. This is the time to call on supportive family and reliable friends as stand-ins. It won't be the same as having the other parent, but the children may have such a good time, they'll temporarily forget that anyone's missing.

Believe it or not, there are some positive aspects to being the head of a single-parent family.

* Often, the home atmosphere is more relaxed. There are no arguments between the adults, and no disagreements about discipline. The remaining parent's word is law, and the children soon learn to accept it.

* Meal times can be casual, if you want to dole out chunky soup and a good vitamin pill in front of the TV for supper, that's fine.

* The children have to accept more responsibility both for themselves and for each other. They soon learn that one parent can't do everything and if they don't pitch in and help out, home will not be as pleasant a place as they wish it to be.

* After the children's bedtime, the adult has full custody of the TV remote control.

* With a little luck, you need never spend time with the in-laws again.

*Becoming the head of a single-parent family is a move to the fast track to maturity and strength of character. After a few years in this capacity, you'll find that you can handle just about anything life will throw at you with equanimity.

When divorce occurs, it is usually traumatic for both partners. The custodial parent must deal with the emotional distress and, at the same time, safeguard the welfare of the children and continue with their regular routine as much as possible. This can be a daunting challenge, but the rewards are worth it.

In years to come, when these same children, now adults, look at you with eyes shining in admiration and say, "Gee, thanks. I don't know how you did it!"

And you, a calm, cool, collected and in control adult, can say with a wry smile, "Oh, it was nothing." And looking back, believe it or not, it won't seem all that bad.