Would you divorce a spouse who smoked?

A person's decision to smoke is a personal one. It's akin to abusing alcohol, drugs, or crossing a busy street blindfolded. If a man is determined to follow any or all of these courses of action, no one, not even his wife, will effectively be able to stop him.

However, the spouse has options too, when faced with such self-destructive behaviours. Initially, she should urgently request him to stop, and promise to support him throughout the withdrawal period with every means at her disposal.

If he refuses, she must decide on a course of action for herself. If I were in this situation, I would see my choices as follows:

1) I could stay, quit nagging, and hope that he would come to his senses and kick the habit eventually.

2) I could stay but insist that he always smoke outside, clean up the left-over ashes and be responsible for any damages his smoking causes, i.e. holes in clothing, burns on furniture, etc.

3) I could request a separation, hoping that I'd be missed enough to convince him to give up the habit.

4) I could leave, demand a divorce, and move on with my life, hoping to eventually find a partner whose healthy lifestyle would be pleasure to share.

If my spouse had been smoking when I married him, and I was fully aware of it, the picture is altered. I chose to love, honor and obey him as he was, bad habits and all. The only mitigating factor would be the arrival of children.

A parent's first duty is to protect these precious little lives. If the father refuses to do so and continues to smoke in the house with a baby, I, as a mother would take action alone to protect my child's health.

I'd reject option #1. I'd only be condemning the baby and myself to the same slow route to suicide my husband was following. With no nagging, plus the stress of a new baby in the house, few, if any husbands would be likely to quit an ingrained smoking habit in the near future.

Option #2 is only delaying the inevitable. One day, he'll break a leg, or come down with a serious infection. He'll plead that he's too ill to go outside. He'll want to open the window for just one cigarette. And if he's laid up for a week or longer...

Even in a short time, the tar, noxious chemicals and smell from cigarette smoke will be absorbed by curtains, bedspreads, and other material in the bedroom. It will take months and a new paint job to get rid of all the traces of his bout with illness.

Option #3 is second best. The spouse and baby (if there is one) will be away from cigarette smoke. The only problem is, you'll probably waste months waiting for something that is unlikely to occur. Under the stress of learning to manage on his own again, under the influence of strong emotions, such as anger, spite, and frustration, and having to deal with questions from concerned family and friends, is he apt to quit smoking? Not likely!

I'd follow option #4, difficult though it might be. Even if my husband managed to quit temporarily, would the next crisis drive him back to cigarettes? I could never be sure. Every life is a series of highs and lows, especially when children are involved. I'd probably have to fight the nicotine battle with him over and over again.

The end result would be that my husband would become frustrated and resentful, the child's physical health would periodically be endangered, I'd become an authoritarian mother-figure to my spouse rather than a wife and the marriage would become a travesty.

The best solution is to marry a non-smoker. At least, insist that your intended be smoke-free for a year before the wedding. If the smoking begins or resumes after the ceremony, you'll have a choice to make. I've outlined the possible options above. The final choice must be your own.