Dealing with your spouse's ex when children are involved

If you ever hope to have an amiable relationship with your spouse's ex, the first thing you must do is forget every unflattering tale you've heard about him or her. As difficult as this may be, it is one of the most important steps you can take to ease the children's adjustment to their parents' divorce and the subsequent remarriage of one or both.

Try to realize that in every marriage break-up, there are faults on both sides. Naturally, you have heard only one side, and it is bound to be biased. Your present spouse is not going to relate rapturous tales about the former mate. Bear in mind that whatever happened between those two had nothing to do with you. For the children's sakes, resolve to give their other parent the benefit of the doubt, and approach them as you would anyone else whom you were meeting for the first time, and who would have a significant role in your family life for the foreseeable future.

When I became a new stepmother, I had four children of my own. My husband's two children, a boy 9, and a girl 12, would be travelling about five hundred miles to visit for a month that first summer. Several weeks ahead, I wrote their mother a friendly note introducing myself, and promising to take care of the children as well as I possibly could. I enclosed a short biography of each of my children, so she'd know who hers would be associating with. I reassured her that they would phone home at least every second night and more often if they needed to. I told her I had been teaching for about fifteen years and I was used to handling kids. I also invited her to call if she was worrying or had any concerns about the children while they were with us.

No, I didn't show my new husband my note, nor did he ask to see it. This was between the children's mother and me.

One reason I was so conscious of her feelings was because I had been having a worrisome time with my ex when he took our children on extended visits. I wasn't allowed to know where they were going, and they could not contact me. They brought home stories which didn't ease my mind in the slightest. "Dad gave us a quarter for jumping off the high diving board!" was one of the better ones. It didn't matter that they couldn't swim at the time. He always thought I babied them so he was determined to make men of them when he had them. (And one was a girl!) I resolved that no other mother would endure the worry I had if I could help it.

I think the strategy worked pretty well. My stepchildren's visits became fewer and fewer as the years passed and they became more engrossed with their own lives. Last year, when the daughter had her first baby, her mom phoned me. We had a nice chat about the baby's weight, appearance, length of the labour and other grandmotherly subjects. At the end of the conversation, she asked me to pass along the news to my husband, and I did.

Children of divorce have been through a traumatic experience. Their family and their sense of security have been damaged, if not destroyed. What happens to them in the subsequent months and years can make the difference. They will either go on to successful and fulfilling lives or possibly enter a downward spiral leading to misery and failure. All the adults involved need to be sensitive to and respond to the children's emotional needs. When amiable relationships between parents and stepparents can be maintained, it will be easier to achieve this goal.