How to ease the stress of forming a blended family

When taking on a blended family, I'm convinced teachers have a definite advantage. They are accustomed to dealing with groups of children on an equal basis, and it's unlikely anything the little dears can think up will surprise or incapacitate them. Former experience in any leadership role, in which an adult has been responsible for a group of young people, such as a coach on a sports team, will be of inestimable value in managing a blended family successfully.

You and your new spouse will be co-parenting a group of children, some of whom belong to each of you. You are setting up a new household and, as senior residents and decision makers, you must make up appropriate house rules. This is where communication is essential. You must set up rules on which you can both agree . Having one set of rules for some of the children and another set for the others is a recipe for disaster.

You may get opposition at first. "This isn't the way we did it at home." Acknowledge the complaint and explain that this is another house with different family members and that you may do things differently. Explain the reason routines have changed and stress that both of you think these rules will work out better for everyone.

The children's health and safety must be the priority. Be sure there is a written health record for each child, with medications and dosages, doctors' names and phone numbers, and insurance companies' contact information in a safe place, and that both adults know exactly where it is.

Do not insist on the children calling you "Mom" or "Dad" if you are not their biological parent. They have already been through a traumatic experience in having their formerly secure home life destroyed. They already have a real mother or father. The most you can hope to be at this stage is a trusted friend.

At first, keep the rules limited and concentrate on major issues. A few suggested guidelines:

(a) No hitting, biting, kicking, or other physical violence.
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(b) Bad language is not allowed.

(c) The adult at home is the adult in charge, and must be obeyed. If the child strongly objects to what he is being asked to do, he may wait in his room until the other adult arrives, and plead his case with him (her). In this case, the spouses should make every effort to present a united front. Otherwise, the children soon learn they can play one against the other.

(d) Each child is responsible for one household chore daily. The penalty for missing should be decided beforehand and known to everyone.

e) The adults must know where each child is at all times. If the family is large, you may need to keep a note pad on the fridge, so that each can check in and out. Collect the names, addresses and phone numbers of each one's friends in case of an emergency.

These are the major rules. Secondary ones may be added as needed. It's a good idea to post the rules in a prominent place somewhere in the house.

Never criticize the absent parent. Half a child's genetic heritage comes from each of his biological parents. When you express disapproval of the other parent, you are actually disparaging the child, and most children are bright enough to sense this. These children have been hurt enough already.

Don't insist on the children being friends at first. Arrange a "family night" each week, wherein everyone participates in an enjoyable activity together: pizza and a movie, a visit to a mini-putt, a picnic in the park or an outdoor concert. Let friendships develop naturally and gradually.

The most important factors in this whole scenario are the children's safety and that the spouses present a united front. The latter requires constant communication and it must be conducted in private.

My husband and I used to go out for coffee every evening because, when we married, our children were old enough to be left alone for a while. That half hour break was very helpful . It removed us from the commotion, gave us a chance to reflect on the day, and plan strategies for the next day and the beyond.

When marriages break up, the children are the most seriously affected. Their security disappears. They wrestle with questions and doubts and fears that they don't have the words to express. They might behave badly for awhile until they are reassured that the adults in their lives really care about them and won't abandon them somewhere down the road. To provide them with that reassurance is the most important challenge you and your new spouse will confront.

For the parents, it's actually a win-win situation. The constant communication should ensure that the marriage partners grow in committment and understanding of each other. In addition, each one has an opportunity to make a difference not only in the lives of their own children, but in the lives of other children as well.

Your reward will be the pride you feel when you see them all grow up to be responsible citizens and good mothers and fathers to their own children. When you think about it, parents' and teachers' goals for the young people in their care aren't all that different. Perhaps we should make responsible parenting courses required subjects for every high school student.