Some people love to argue. I knew a married couple like that once; it seemed as if their entire relationship consisted of one sniping at the other, who would then respond in kind. To a casual observer it seemed as if they must really hate each other. I wondered why they stayed married.
Eventually the husband passed away. The wife was devastated. Her normal grieving pattern turned into severe depression and she herself died within a year. She really loved him after all, although their way of relating was through constant argument.
Most of us would hate that type of relationship. We are taught from childhood to be polite, kind, thoughtful, and respectful when dealing with others, especially those whom you're supposed to love. However, often it's a family member who feels secure enough in the relationship to try to start an argument.
You'll be aware when the bait is tossed your way. It may be a statement with which you're bound to disagree, an implied or direct criticism of something you've said or done, or a disparaging comment about you, or one of your friends or family. Argumentative people usually know how to push the sensitive buttons of people around them.
Here are a few ways to stay calm when provoked:
* Look the offender in the eye, state simply, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Resume what you were doing. If the barbs keep coming, go on to the next suggestion.
* Walk away. It takes two to have an argument. Do something you enjoy. Call a friend, grab a book, turn on the TV, read your e-mail. There are better ways to spend your time than listening to a quarrelsome individual.
* Consider the physical damage your would-be adversary is doing to himself. Look at him closely, the tightly-drawn face, the clenched fists, the white knuckles. His blood pressure is probably sky-high. Tsk! Tsk! If he keeps this type of behaviour up, he won't last long. Refuse to contribute to his early demise. Leave and follow suggestion # 2.
* State calmly and plainly that you consider the remark to be inane, rude, offensive, in poor taste, unmerited, unacceptable, ill-mannered, impudent and/or churlish (choose appropriate adjectives or use them all), and that you will not dignify it with a reply. If he cares to rephrase his thought later and put it in more acceptable terms, you'll give it some consideration. Leave and follow suggestion #2.
* Ask him to put his concerns in writing. You have a headache and you require absolute silence.
* If all else fails, leave the scene completely. It you're not at home, go there. Otherwise, go out for coffee, visit a friend, go shopping or take in a movie.
While you're away, reflect on possible causes of this argumentative behaviour. Has your opponent had a spate of bad luck recently? Are there medical issues to consider? Why are they deliberately trying to provoke an argument? Are they trying to distance themselves from you, either temporarily or permanently?
If this is normal behaviour, then you have other choices to consider. If things remain as they are , how much will you be required to be in this person's company in the future? Can you live with present behaviour? If not, what are your options?
Sometimes it's just thoughtlessness, insensitivity or impulsiveness which lead to argumentative remarks. In these cases a heart-to-heart discussion of just how these comments make you feel may do the trick. In more severe cases, professional counselling or an anger management course may be needed.
If arguments escalate to physical violence, or if the argumentative comments become increasingly critical or cruel and the victim's psychological health becomes adversely affected, it's time to end the association.
It's a fallacy that physical abuse is the most harmful element in any dysfunctional relationship. Physical scars heal in time. Emotional wounds can last a lifetime. Argumentative individuals are often very skilled at administering emotional wounds, and there are no visible scars to give them away.
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