Some couples stay together for financial reasons, because of a mistaken belief that it's better for the children, because of advanced age, or simply out of habit. The relationships to be admired, applauded and envied are not just those which are lasting, but those which are fulfilling as well.
The responsibility for making a relationship fulfilling lies equally with both spouses. Romantic love does not last forever. Inevitably, maintaining a close relationship, whether it be a marriage or a common-law relationship, depends on the people-skills and the basic characters of both partners.
Trying to maintain a fulfilling relationship with a rude, inconsiderate slob can be done, but it would never be considered "fulfilling"
Those who hope to maintain a fulfilling relationship with their significant other over a long period of time should strive to practice the following qualities:
* Fidelity: once the initial bond of trust is broken, it can never be completely restored. The mate with the roving eye will not lose it just because of one discovery. The injured party will be a nervous wreck every time the other is out of sight. A relationship in which one partner cheats, is doomed.
* Politeness: some people are charming to strangers, acquaintances and other family members, but to their spouse they are rude and insulting bullies. They make the spouse into an enemy and living with an enemy is difficult.
The marriage may be lasting if the other partner is meek enough, but it will not be described as fulfilling, by any stretch of the imagination.
* Trustworthiness: a spouse must be able to leave spare change on the table without worrying that it will be stolen. When a promise is given, it must be kept. Conversations between partners should be private unless otherwise agreed upon.
Both partners should feel free to express heartfelt thoughts and feelings within the privacy of the home without fear that they will be broadcast to anyone willing to listen.
* Unselfishness: the pronouns "I" and "mine" no longer come first in fulfilling relationships. They are replaced by "our" and "ours". Neither partner has a right to preferential treatment. Important decisions are shared. A lasting relationship shouldl be a democracy, not a dictatorship.
*Self-control: parties in relationships will have disagreements. Mature partners learn the skills of discussion, negotiation, and compromise. Ranting, raving, screaming and temper tantrums should have ceased after the "terrible twos", before a child enters Kindergarten.
Anyone finding themselves developmentally delayed in this area should impose a self-enforced "time-out" on themselves and sign up for the first available anger management course.
* Keeping up appearances: change over time is inevitable. No one looks the same at 60 as they did at 20. However, cleanliness and neatness are non-negotiable. Look at others in your circle.
How do you measure up? When a spouse makes suggestions, listen. They look at you every day. They are probably aware of a few areas in which you could improve.
In closing, I submit that lasting relationships are not the only goal to which a couple should aspire. No prizes should be awarded to those who manage to endure 50 or more years or unhappiness, subjugation, or dictatorship. Lasting, fulfilling marriages are indeed woth celebrating, but they are by no means easy to procure.
Both partners must practice fidelity, politeness, trustworthiness, unselfishness, self-control, and staying presentable over a period of years, and that is not easy. In fact, it is darned hard work. However, the love, peace, joy and security of having a soulmate with whom to grow old, is well worth the effort.
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