Many people planning a summer
vacation this year, 2012, are finding their options limited. Because of the
recession, money may be scarce. The exorbitant price of gas makes even short
trips expensive, and when the cost of food and accommodations are taken into
account, many families simply will not be able to afford a trip away from home.
Rather than waste time bemoaning
the loss of the traditional summer vacation journey, why not concentrate on the
advantages of spending your free time this year enjoying the comfort of your
own home and the enjoying attractions offered in the surrounding area?
Advantages of a summer
"staycation":
* Financial Advantages
It will not be necessary to shell
out extra cash for decent accommodations or expensive restaurant meals. You may
plan to eat out more than usual during your holiday, but you already know where
the reasonably priced eating places are located in your vicinity. Each family
member might choose a favorite spot to dine out on a different night during the
vacation period.
There will be no extra charges to
access laundry facilities, to board pets, to make long-distance calls home, and
you won't be expected to bring back souvenirs for family and friends since you
haven't gone anywhere.
* Emotional advantages
Forget about doing last-minute
loads of wash, frenzied packing, fighting congested highway traffic, sibling
arguments in the back seat and endless queries, "Are we there yet?"
There will be no emotional
letdown on arriving home, often more tired and frazzled than when you left,
knowing the fun is over for this summer, and facing a mountain of dirty
laundry.
Staycations, handled wisely, can
be an excellent chance for spending quality time with the family. Visiting
local points of interest, star-gazing in the backyard, picnics in the park,
having movie marathons lasting until midnight with no curfew for the kids,
these are the ingredients of happy memories.
* Health advantages
There will be no worries about
allergies to unfamiliar flora or fauna, food or drink. You won't bring home
bedbugs, those creepy insects which seem to have been lurking in so many
motels, hotels and other lodging places recently. A change in water won't
result in constipation or worse, diarrhea. If any health problems arise, you're
close to your family doctor, who is familiar with any underlying health conditions
you may have.
You'll be able to get extra
relaxation and rest. After the holiday, family members will return to school or
work refreshed and rejuvenated.
One family, of the author's
acquaintance, hid all the clocks in the home during the holiday period, and
lived strictly by observing the promptings of their biological clocks. They
found it such a liberating experience, that they now follow the practice during
every vacation, even on long weekends.
Summer holidays at home can be a
joyous experience. Since everyone is on vacation; everyone is free to do their
own thing within reasonable limits. Since Mom is on vacation too, everyone has
a responsibility to clean up after themselves. The older children who show
maturity by helping the younger ones will be rewarded with even more freedom.
This summer, why not plan to
spend the holiday in the comfort and convenience of your own home? It's a
cheaper, less stressful, and healthier alternative to the usual hassle of a
vacation trip away to a distant destination.
Actually, when you stop to think
of it, you are very fortunate. There are probably thousands of people around
the globe who wish they could visit your part of the country for their own
summer vacation this year, but who can't afford to do so.
Some people love to argue. I knew
a married couple like that once; it seemed as if their entire relationship
consisted of one sniping at the other, who would then respond in kind. To a
casual observer it seemed as if they must really hate each other. I wondered
why they stayed married.
Eventually the husband passed away. The wife was devastated. Her normal
grieving pattern turned into severe depression and she herself died within a
year. She really loved him after all, although their way of relating was through
constant argument.
Most of us would hate that type
of relationship. We are taught from childhood to be polite, kind, thoughtful,
and respectful when dealing with others, especially those whom you're supposed
to love. However, often it's a family member who feels secure enough in the
relationship to try to start an argument.
You'll be aware when the bait is tossed your way. It may be a statement with
which you're bound to disagree, an implied or direct criticism of something
you've said or done, or a disparaging comment about you, or one of your friends
or family. Argumentative people usually know how to push the sensitive buttons
of people around them.
Here are a few ways to stay calm when provoked:
* Look the offender in the eye, state simply, "I'm sorry you feel that
way." Resume what you were doing. If the barbs keep coming, go on to the
next suggestion.
* Walk away. It takes two to have an argument. Do something you enjoy. Call a
friend, grab a book, turn on the TV, read your e-mail. There are better ways to
spend your time than listening to a quarrelsome individual.
* Consider the physical damage your would-be adversary is doing to himself.
Look at him closely, the tightly-drawn face, the clenched fists, the white
knuckles. His blood pressure is probably sky-high. Tsk! Tsk! If he keeps this
type of behaviour up, he won't last long. Refuse to contribute to his early
demise. Leave and follow suggestion # 2.
* State calmly and plainly that you consider the remark to be inane, rude,
offensive, in poor taste, unmerited, unacceptable, ill-mannered, impudent
and/or churlish (choose appropriate adjectives or use them all), and that you
will not dignify it with a reply. If he cares to rephrase his thought later and
put it in more acceptable terms, you'll give it some consideration. Leave and
follow suggestion #2.
* Ask him to put his concerns in writing. You have a headache and you require
absolute silence.
* If all else fails, leave the scene completely. It you're not at home, go
there. Otherwise, go out for coffee, visit a friend, go shopping or take in a
movie.
While you're away, reflect on possible causes of this argumentative behaviour.
Has your opponent had a spate of bad luck recently? Are there medical issues to
consider? Why are they deliberately trying to provoke an argument? Are they
trying to distance themselves from you, either temporarily or permanently?
If this is normal behaviour, then
you have other choices to consider. If things remain as they are , how much
will you be required to be in this person's company in the future? Can you live
with present behaviour? If not, what are your options?
Sometimes it's just thoughtlessness, insensitivity or impulsiveness which lead
to argumentative remarks. In these cases a heart-to-heart discussion of just how
these comments make you feel may do the trick. In more severe cases, professional
counselling or an anger management course may be needed.
If arguments escalate to physical violence, or if the argumentative comments
become increasingly critical or cruel and the victim's psychological health
becomes adversely affected, it's time to end the association.
It's a fallacy that physical abuse is the most harmful element in any dysfunctional
relationship. Physical scars heal in time. Emotional wounds can last a
lifetime. Argumentative individuals are often very skilled at administering
emotional wounds, and there are no visible scars to give them away.
I don't care what you say! I'm
going to go anyway and you can't stop me!" A spoiled child venting his
anger at his mother, because she won't let him do something that is probably
harmful and maybe dangerous, you think?
No, a grown man is reacting to
his wife's request that he forgo one of his weekly nights out with the boys to
attend her parents' anniversary party. How should she handle the temper
tantrum? This adult-child is too old and too big to be sent to his room for a "Time
Out".
It is highly likely that his next
move will be to turn on his heel, head for the nearest exit, stamping his feet
as hard as he can on the way, and leave, slamming the door behind him. In that
case, no immediate action on her part is necessary, or expected.
If he stays, ready to continue or
possibly escalate the drama, her best move is to remain calm and try to
evaluate the seriousness of the tantrum. Is he completely out of control, or
just being a bully and trying to intimidate her? If he has lost control, she
needs to leave: go to a neighbor's, run an errand, or visit a girlfriend .
There's no sense trying to talk to someone who's irrational, and it could be
dangerous.
If he's just trying to assert his
authority as head of the household and ruler of the world, it's best to put a
stop to those antics before they become a habit. She should inform Gonzilla
that she will not be spoken to in that manner and, that when he is ready to
discuss the matter calmly, they can try to work out a compromise.
Then, she should leave the room
and make coffee, take a long washroom break, or take a book and read on the
patio. Just be unavailable for awhile.
During the break in the action,
the wife needs to ask herself some in-depth questions.
(a) Is this new behavior? If so,
a medical exam may be in order.
(b) Is she in personal danger? If
so, she should leave, and not return home, but arrange to stay with family or
friends for a few days.
(c) Does she still love the guy?
(e) If she leaves, what needs to
happen before she returns home, to ensure that this situation doesn't recur?
(f) If she's still at home, how
can the present problem be resolved and what steps can be taken to propel the
spouse toward more mature behavior in the future?
If she hasn't judged it necessary
to leave, the wife needs to have a long talk with her mate after he has settled
down. He needs to know that she must be considered a partner and an equal in
the union. They should be working together, each trying to accommodate the
other's needs and preferences.
Perhaps he can go out with the
boys for the early part of the evening and join her later at her parents' home.
Or, the boys could go out another evening that week. A solution can usually be
worked out as long as both partners can discuss matters calmly and in good
faith.
The spouse needs to firmly
stipulate that, on the occasion of the next temper tantrum, a course
in anger management will become necessary. She may decide to accompany him,
for personal growth, or just to be sure he attends as agreed.
If she has deemed it necessary to
leave home, but if she still loves her husband and wants to try to save the
marriage, she must decide on terms under which she will return. For instance,
he has to have completed a course in anger management and have attended at
least two appointments with a reputable psychologist for personal counseling. He
may have some issues with his mother that need to be resolved, and he needs
help to realize the advantages of having a wife who's a partner, rather than a
parent substitute.
Temper tantrums are unpleasant in
children, but totally inappropriate when dealing with an adult who is supposed
to be a lover, a soul mate, and a lifelong companion.
Most children, both big and
small, eventually grow up, but some take longer than tan others. And sometimes,
they need a little outside help
Wake up and smell the coffee, my friend!
Why would you even consider being
friends with someone who had an affair with your spouse? This person is just
not someone who would make a good friend or even an acceptable acquaintance.
Here are some reasons why:
* They are amoral. When the
friendship began, they probably learned your spouse was legally wed to someone
else. They learned about the children who depended on him or her and about the
legal and moral responsibilities which your spouse had willingly assumed. Yet
they allowed the relationship to develop to the stage of intimacy without
respect for the laws of God or man.
An honorable person would have
insisted that the one to whom they were attracted attain a divorce from the
present spouse before entering a new relationship.
* They are selfish. Did they
consider the feelings of your spouse's children or mate when they entered the
affair? Not likely. They saw something they wanted and took it, without regard
for any damage their behavior would inflict on others.
* They are untrustworthy. If they
couldn't be trusted with the one person who was the most important mainstay in
your life, how could you ever possibly consider them a friend and trust them
with lesser matters?
* They are short-sighted. They
will never have the advantage of being the "one and only" in your
spouse's life. Even if the affair proceeds to the point of marriage, the
interloper will always be the second choice. Ex-spouses entering second
marriages carry a lot of baggage, not to mention financial and custodial
obligations to the former family.
* Let's be honest. In time, the
wild attraction of a new affair cools off. Most married couples after ten years
have much different relationships than they did in the first few months of
passionate wedded bliss.
If you befriend this person who
"borrowed" your spouse for a fling, or even for a more permanent
relationship, eventually you'll have to listen to sorrowful tales of how your
mate didn't live up to expectations, ( as if you didn't already know!)
Worst of all, you may find the
unworthy speciman of a supposedly-faithful, reliable and loving spouse dumped
right back in your lap when your "friend" once again moves on to
greener pastures. Is that what you really want?
Ask yourself honestly: "Do I
really want a friend who is amoral, selfish, untrustworthy, and
short-sighted?" In fact, when you think about it, these very same
qualities are equally applicable to your unfaithful spouse. They deserve each
other!
The wisest decision you can make
is to distance yourself from both of them as quickly and completely as
possible. The world is filled with millions of nice people. Your own city
probably contains thousands, many potential new friends and possible
unattached, romantic interests. Leave the losers to enjoy each other's company
and reach out boldly to embrace a new and better tomorrow.
Break-ups are painful. It doesn't
matter whether it's a marriage, a relationship, or a long-term friendship that
has come to an end, parting and starting over is one of the more difficult
tasks a person will confront during his lifetime. The party who initiated the
split usually has a less difficult time, but both individuals must adapt to
thinking and acting independently again, to adjusting to new and different
routines, and to meeting and interacting with new people.
The individual who receives
notification that the break-up is imminent is in a less enviable position. He
must deal with the initial shock or surprise, while exploring options and
making plans for a more solitary lifestyle. He may also be plagued with
questions which probably have no answers. "What did I do wrong?",
" What should I have done differently?", "Why did this happen to
me?"
The truth of the matter probably
is that one person changed and grew in a new direction while the other didn't.
Whether the change was for better or worse will remain to be seen, but
meanwhile, their aims, values and desired lifestyles no longer coincide. It's
nobody's fault, it's just the way things are.
How does the partner who is left,
regain his or her self-confidence? There are a variety of measures to be taken,
and one definite activity that must be avoided. He must not sit around feeling
sorry for himself and bemoaning his fate for an extended period of time.
After allowing himself several days to several weeks of grieving, he
should begin to implement some constructive strategies, such as the following:
* Make a list of all your
abilities and strengths. Plan how to put them into use in ways that will
benefit others. Are you good cook? Volunteer at a soup kitchen or take a meal
to a shut-in neighbor. Are you sympathetic and a good listener? Visit seniors'
residences or long-term care facilities, volunteer at the Distress Line. When
you bring joy to others, and they depend on you. it does wonders for your
self-confidence..
* Perk up your appearance. Have
your hair done, your teeth whitened, buy a few new, sporty articles of
clothing. Stand tall, smile and laugh, be pleasant to everyone. Cheerful,
upbeat people are welcome almost anywhere, anytime.
* Contact old friends, especially
the unattached ones. In any group of singles, somebody is always having a
crisis of some sort . Be available to help out. Be the one everyone calls on
when they're having difficulties. Nothing builds confidence like being needed
and relied upon by others.
* Find a church congregation
where you feel at home. Rediscover your inherent worth as a child of God. You
were made to God's specific directions, and he deals in quality. There's a plan
for your life and you are in the process of discovering it.
* In your spare time, if you have
any, think about the person you'd like to have in your future, whether as a
friend or as someone closer. Try to spend some time in places that type of
person might be. If you want the quiet, knowledgeable type, visit the library
several times a week. If you want a sports lover, go to ball games. If you want
an animal lover, volunteer at the Humane Society.
* Remind yourself often that the
world is full of millions of nice people, most of whom you have never met.
There are thousands who would be compatible with you, but they won't come and
find you if you're home feeling sorry for yourself. Get up, get out there and
circulate! Believe that if you can brighten one other person's existence today,
the entire day may be considered a success!
Later in life, when the break-up
is only a dim memory, you may look back on it as one of the more fortunate
episodes in your life. It enabled you to move on and to find the one with whom
you were meant to have a special relationship for the rest of your days. It's
been said that every cloud has a silver lining, but in this case, it may turn
out to be a lining of eighteen-carat gold!
I (name), take you (name), to be
my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for
worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to
cherish; from this day forward until death do us part." Traditional wedding vow
This solemn vow, taken by loving couples in the sight of God, family, and
friends on their wedding day, no longer seems to signify the unwavering
commitment it did in past generations. Sadly, nearly half of all contemporary
marriages end in divorce.
Divorce is a difficult experience
for everyone: the couple themselves, their children, and their families and
friends. There is a process to undergo, similar to grieving a death, and a new
reality to which everyone must adjust.
What are the causes of divorce? What factors make cohabitation so difficult
that one or both spouses cannot no longer tolerate the situation? Here are some
issues that may be at the root of the problems:
* LACK OF COMMUNICATION
Every couple will have
disagreements. When spouses cannot communicate, share their grievances and
negotiate compromises, hostilities will be repressed. They will resurface at a
later date, over a minor, totally unrelated incident or they will continue to
fester and grow. A build-up of repressed hostility in one or both partners will
soon destroy any relationship.
* CHEATING
When one partner breaks the
marriage vows, the all-important bond or trust is severed. Sometimes it can be
repaired, but often it cannot. In today's society, with the prevalence of STDs,
the cheating partner is risking not only his or her own life and health, but
also that of the faithful spouse.
* FINANCES
Money is the source of many
marital disagreements. There should be an agreement before the wedding on each
partner's fair contribution to household expenses, on who will manage the bank
account, and on how major expenditures will be decided upon. Again,
communication and negotiating skill will pay a vital role in these decisions.
*MISMATCH
Sometimes young couples mistake
infatuation for true love. When the excitement of the courtship period wears
off, as it surely will, they find that they have little in common, and in fact,
they may not even like each other. Sooner or later, one or the other will
decide to end the parody of a marriage.
*ABUSE
Physical, mental, emotional or
verbal abuse of one spouse by the other should not be tolerated. It may be wise
for the couple to separate while they seek counselling to see if the marriage
can be salvaged. If not, the abused partner will need psychological help to
enable her/him to move on and perhaps find a more satisfying relationship.
*ADDICTION
Sometimes one spouse becomes
addicted to alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling or other destructive
behaviour, so that the family's finances, security, and lifestyle are
significantly affected. If the addict refuses to get help, divorce may result.
* EXHAUSTION
In today's economic climate, it
is often necessary for both partners to work. If one spouse is carrying more
than his or her fair share of the load, the marriage will become increasingly
troubled. Because of living in a perpetual state of fatigue, the overworked
mate will be irritable, resentful and uncooperative. Marriage breakdown will
result, probably sooner rather than later.
*DIFFERENCE IN CULTURE OR
RELIGION
Differences which seemed
unimportant in the fiery glow of young love can become major obstacles in the
cold reality of everyday married life. When children arrive the disparities are
magnified. Lasting unions are most often between those of similar cultures,
religious views and backgrounds.
Premarital counselling is
available through many church communities and/or social agencies. It is
worthwhile for a couple contemplating marriage to invest time and effort in
participating in these sessions. Many potential trouble areas may be identified
and resolved before they become major obstacles to a successful marriage.
Young couples on their wedding
day stand poised on the threshold of a lifetime of mutual love, support, growth
and harmony. Their Creator, their families and friends gather to witness their
exchange of solemn vows. It would be prudent also to offer a silent prayer that
this marriage will be among the fortunate fifty per cent that will last until
death do them part.
Did your guy have a wife, a
fiancee, or a girlfriend when you met him? Did he ditch his former partner to
start a relationship with you? If the answers to these questions is
"Yes!" you had better stay alert, because you might be in for
trouble.
If he walked away from a
partnership which had produced children, especially if these children were
still quite young, you may want to rethink starting a relationship with him, or
at least postpone making a definite commitment for a considerable length of time.
By his previous behaviour, your
man has shown the following personality traits:
(A) Selfishness. Certainly he was
attracted to you, and that's understandable. Everyone in a committed
relationship will be attracted to someone else at sometime or other. Most
people have the self-discipline to be faithful to the existing relationship and
walk away from temptation. However this character, like a child with an bag
full of Halloween candy, wanted to sample more than one treat. What makes you
think that you will be the last to tempt him?
(B) Immaturity. Obviously, he was
not ready to settle down and be a family man. He's still in the "sowing
wild oats" period of his life. When the next appealing fertile field presents
itself, you may well find yourself discarded, when the Romeo of the
agricultural scene edges stealthily away from you and waltzes merrily on to his
next conquest.
(C) Irresponsibility. Someone
else was depending on him, for love, for support, for companionship and for
fidelity. If children were involved, his responsibilities were multiplied and
even more onerous. However, this fellow was able to brush off his
responsibilities like dandruff from the shoulders of a black suit. His own
pleasure and comfort took precedence over everyone and everything else.
Unfortunately, the heartbreak and problems he left behind were probably a lot
more significant than a few flakes of dandruff.
(D) Inconsistency. At some point
in time, your beloved believed that his former partnership with all the
responsibilities it entailed, were what he truly wanted for the rest of his
life. If he was married, he exchanged solemn vows to that effect. Somewhere
along the line, he changed his mind. If such a total reversal in his affections
and intentions has already occurred once, does it not seem to be within the
realm of possibility that it could happen again?
Why are some men serial cheaters?
It is because they are selfish, immature, irresponsible and inconsistent. These
traits aren't always obvious at first and it takes a mature and insightful
woman to recognize them.
Often, it takes a long period of
time, until the first bloom of romance has worn off the new relationship, that
your new flame's true colors begin to appear. That is why it is advisable to
wait for a considerable length of time before entering into a serious,
committed relationship.
Will these males ever outgrow
their dreadful personality traits? I'm not sure, but a broken leg, a heart
condition, or severe arthritis seem to be steps in the right direction.
When you first learn your spouse
has cheated, how to handle the situation is probably not your first concern.
Recovering your equilibrium after the severe shock will be the first item on
your agenda.
Whether you discover the betrayal
through an admission of guilt from your mate, through a third party or through
a series of circumstances, really doesn't matter. You will feel as if you've
been hit by a sledge hammer. You need time to adjust to a new reality.
As you pause to think, your past
together will seem like nothing but a web of lies and pretenses, the present
like a cold, black vacuum, and the future, a gigantic question mark followed by
a bottomless void.
Take a little time to organize
your thoughts. The betrayal has occurred, nothing can change that fact. You
must decide what you want the ultimate outcome of the situation to be. Could
you forgive and the forget if asked to do so? Would you ever be able to trust
the culprit again, or would your future life become an series of anxiety-filled
episodes during which suspicions, groundless or not, make your life miserable?
Much depends on your own
personality, your early training, and your philosophy of marriage. Try to
clarify and organize your own thoughts and emotions before you confront your
spouse.
If possible, obtain proof of the
infidelity: a credit card bill, a copy of an e-mail message, or a reliable
witness who will speak up if requested to do so.
Marriage is, at the least, a
contract. To Christians, marriage is a sacred covenant. When one party has
broken the contract, or covenant, one of three outcomes will follow: it will
remain permanently broken, it will be mended, or it may be determined that
there never was a valid marriage in the first place.
Much will depend on your spouse's
reaction to your disclosure of your knowledge of the affair. Here are some
possible scenarios:
*The infidelity is denied. This
is when you produce your proof.
* The infidelity is admitted.
Your spouse wants a divorce to marry the third party. It is still a free
country. Lose no time in engaging a competent divorce lawyer.
* The infidelity is admitted but
your spouse wants to try to repair the marriage. This is why you should have
your emotions sorted out and your priorities clear. Do you still love your
partner? Do you believe it is possible to repair the marriage? Are you willing
to invest the necessary time, effort and financial outlay to do so? Marriage
counselling is a definite necessity if you decide to try this option.
* Roman Catholic Christians
should consult their parish priest about the possibility of obtaining an
annulment. Since the Second Vatican Council (1962-1965) there are more grounds
for obtaining declarations of nullity than there were previously.
When a marriage breaks up because
of one partner's infidelity, in the eyes of the wronged spouse it is similar to
a death. Not only has the relationship died, but the man or woman to whom he or
she thought they were wed, has disappeared. There is bound to be a period of
grief and mourning.
Fortunately, nothing lasts
forever. In time, the sun rises, flowers bloom again and summer returns. Those
who are not destroyed by a bad experience, emerge from it wiser and stronger.
The next plunge they take into
the sea of matrimony will probably be with a partner who is more compatible
with their personality type. And, after the first unfortunate experience, they
will have a much better chance, the second time, of living happily ever after.
Family life was not always the
way it is today. In prehistoric times, when a male saw a female he considered
attractive, he knocked her over the head with his club, and dragged her back to
his cave. He didn't fuss too much about the cave; it required very little
maintenance and he had more pressing duties.
He hunted and fished from dawn to
dusk. He followed herds of animals from one grazing plain to another. Sometimes
he would be absent from the cave for weeks. His skill provided his family with
food and clothing. There were no holidays. In the untamed wilderness, if he
didn't put his utmost effort into his tasks, the family would not survive.
His mate had no easy life either.
She kept the home fires burning, literally. She prepared and cooked the game,
fowl and fish her man provided. She sewed hides together to make clothing. When
the group learned the skill of growing edible crops, the agricultural chores
were also hers. In the midst of her busy life, she bore and cared for the
children.
Life for the average modern man
is much easier. He works an eight-hour day, and has weekends off . His job
often does not entail much manual labor. When he comes home at the end of the
day. after a brief rest, he has energy left for other pursuits. Most employers
also arrange annual holidays so workers can renew their energy levels.
How has the work of the female of
the species progressed since those early days? She still bears the
responsibility for running a smooth household. She continues to plan and cook
the meals, but often has to get the food herself from the grocery store. She
sees that the family is appropriately clothed, but now she must shop for the
garments in a busy mall.
In addition to these chores, most
modern women hold down full-time jobs because contemporary families need two
salaries to enjoy a comfortable lifestyle. Somewhere in midst of her busy life,
the woman still bears children. Now, in addition, she must arrange quality care
for them during the hours she can't be with them.
In is easy to see the inequality
in the way family roles have evolved. The male's life is much easier today,
while the female has more responsibilities than her prehistoric ancestor. It's
only fair that, when both spouses work, husbands should shoulder part of the
burden of work around the home.
Where would his help be most
useful? He cannot bear or give birth to the children, and his wife would
probably insist on finding a sitter herself, whom she trusts to care for the
children . Their welfare is just as important to her as her own, and often even
more so.
He cannot ease the burden of her
career. She was hired for her particular skills and her employer is not likely
to accept a substitute.
He can best help by assuming some
responsibilities around the house.Unlike the cave of former days, it requires a
great deal of maintenance, especially when the children start to arrive. A man
is just as capable of cooking, cleaning and childcare as his wife. When both
spouses have full-time jobs, the household chores should be evenly divided
between the two.
The most intelligent and the
happiest husbands learned a valuable secret early in their marriages, one that
is sure to pay dividends down through the years.
A tired, stressed wife is
grouchy, impatient, and shrewish. A wife who has help with the housework and
children is cheerful, content and affectionate. The most beautiful sight in the
world to a working mom is the sight of her man in an apron, vacuuming the rugs
while the dinner he prepared is cooking in the oven!
Heads up, Men! A word to the wise
should be sufficient.
Second marriages can and do work;
hundreds of thousands of couples in North America in the twenty-first century
testify to the truth of this observation. My husband and I are among this
multitude.
Statistics indicate that almost half of first marriages fail. Often, rosy
dreams of living happily ever after quickly dissolve in the harsh glare of
day-to-day reality. Disillusioned and disheartened, the spouses find it
necessary to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives and egos, and somehow
find the strength to move on with their lives.
Often first time partners are
young and immature. They are not ready for the responsibilities and sacrifices
necessary to build a lasting union. When challenges arise, they lack the skills
and experience to negotiate the difficulties, and the marriage collapses.
Those who wed at twenty-two, may
be different at thirty-two. The girl may have grown into the responsible young
mother of several children, while her husband remains a boy whose main
interests are nights out partying and drinking with his friends. Compatibility
is no longer possible, and a painful split ensues.
There has to be an avenue for
these people to learn from their mistakes. Everyone deserves a second chance at
happiness. Eventually, most will summon the courage to start dating again.
Single-again dates are more wary.
They are usually determined to avoid a second marriage failure. They are also
older. They have a better idea of the type of individual with whom they wish to
spend the rest of their lives. If children are involved, finding a suitable
stepparent adds another dimension to the search.
They are not so likely to jump
recklessly into a second union. The important issues will be settled ahead of
time. How will finances be managed? Will more children be welcomed into family?
Who will be responsible for which household chores? There will be few delusions
of a problem-free future. This eyes-wide-open approach usually pays off.
My second husband and I
celebrated our thirtieth-fourth wedding anniversary this year. In 1977, he
accepted me and my four children with open arms and heart. I became step mom to
his two, who lived with their mother, but came for visits.
The first few years were hectic
until all the young people were launched, but there was a lot of fun and
laughter too, leaving us with a warm glow of memories to light our senior
years. The love and commitment with which we gifted each other were one of the
greatest blessings of our lives.
Although my first marriage lasted
ten years, I can hardly remember those days. It seems now that Don has always
been my husband. I'm sure we'll be together "until death do us part",
as the traditional rite of marriage promises. Actually, we both have too many
aches and pains to wander very far from home. ( Just fooling!) I can personally
attest from experience: second marriages can work.
When two people fall in love,
they spend as much time together as possible. When they are apart, each one
feels that something important is missing in their world. They will eagerly
plan the next occasion when they can be together. They will rearrange schedules,
neglect friends, and skip family functions just so that they can enjoy each
other's company.
Finally, they make the decision
that they wish to be together permanently and they get married. They declare
before God, their families, friends,and communities that they are no longer two
single people, but a couple. As a sign that they now form a unit, a family, it
has been a tradition that the wife assumes the husband's surname. I believe
this tradition has value, and is worthwhile preserving.
Sharing a name is a symbol of
sharing a life. It is a continuing reminder to each partner that the other half
of the family must be considered before making plans or important decisions.
When Joe Smith plans a night out with the boys, he may well be asked, "And
will Mrs. Smith be joining us?" He'll be forcefully reminded that he had
better consult her.
It is sometimes difficult to give
up the autonomy enjoyed as a single person. Becoming a couple requires much
adjustment. The sharing of a surname signifies a willingness to discuss, to
compromise, to negotiate, to find solutions to problems which will satisfy both
members of the new family.
When children come along, sharing
the same family name as Mom and Dad adds to their sense of security. It's a way
of saying, "We're a family and you belong with us. See, we all have the
same last name- we're the Smiths"
There are a few less important
reasons also to take into consideration. Are you ready for the fish-eyed
glances from suspicious acquaintances who learn that Mr. Smith has moved in
with Ms Jones? Hmmm....
How will family and friends
address future Christmas cards? Ms Jones, Mr. Smith and Junior Whatever? Or
maybe...To Whom It May Concern? You have to plan ahead.
Some may wonder if a wife who
insists on keeping her maiden name is really and truly committed to making the
marriage work. Is she looking ahead to avoid a hassle in case of divorce? She
may be thinking that, if the marriage fails, at least she'll be spared the
bother of making another name change.
That's no way to enter a
marriage. If you are mature and confident enough to take the plunge, do it
wholeheartedly. Be willing to share your hearts, all aspects of your lives and
one name. It will avoid questions, puzzled expressions and suspicions in the
years to come. It will be better for everyone, you, your spouse, and your
children, not to mention those poor people will be trying to address your
future Christmas cards.
Your life has lately undergone a
major change, and so has hers. Don't judge her too harshly. Someday, you So,
you're married and you feel your mother is interfering? You may very well be
right. may find yourself standing in a parent's shoes.
Being a mother is not easy, it is a difficult, almost all-consuming task. For
twenty odd years or more, being "Mom" was her one of her most
defining roles. If you were well and happy, in all likelihood, she was too. If
you were ill or unhappy, she was upset too.
Then all too suddenly, things
changed. You became someone's spouse, she became someone's mother-in-law. Both
of you need time, probably lots of it, to adjust to these new roles.
For many years, your lives have been intimately intertwined. First you were her
baby, then her little boy or girl, then her teenager, and lately her grown-up
son or daughter.
To you, since you drew your first breath, she's always been "Mom",
your next-of-kin, your caregiver, advisor, perhaps the only one in your life
whom you could trust 100% to always act in your best interest, even if it meant
doing something that was detrimental to her own welfare.
Through her efforts, you grew into a fine adult, able to give and receive love,
and capable of supporting yourself and contributing to the welfare of a family
of your own. In the fullness of time, as was to be expected, you got married.
For the first time since you were born, your mother had to assume second place
in your life. She was no longer your caregiver, your primary advisor, or your
next-of-kin. Your spouse took over all those roles. In theory, she probably
accepted these changes. Time marches on and no one lives forever. At least when
she passes on, she could be assured you'd be taken care of, and that's good.
But wait, when the first little bump in the road comes along, and she perceives
that her child isn't receiving the care or attention that he or she deserves,
she'll arise like a wounded lioness to come to its aid.
Doesn't she realize that she's probably damaging her future relationship with
your spouse and parent of future grandchildren? Of course, but old habits are
not easily overcome. Her child's welfare takes precedence over all other
considerations.
If this sounds like your mom, what can you do? How can you get her off your
back?
* Be patient. Like all great changes, this will take time.
* She needs to refocus on her other roles in life: as a wife, a friend, an
aunt, or a neighbor.
* She needs to rediscover former areas of interest or find new ones: volunteering,
hobbies, interest courses, or political activism. There are a thousand
possibilities, but it will take time.
* Of course nothing will deflect her interest from you like a new grandchild!
However, if this doesn't fit in with your plans, perhaps you could get her a
kitten or a puppy.
Whatever you do, be kind. She invested a large area of her life in you, and
most mothers will, in time, readjust their priorities.
There's an old adage, "What goes around, comes around". More often
than not, it's proven to be true. Someday, it may be your son or daughter who's
newly married, and you'll be the one who has trouble untying the apron strings.
Treat your mom as you would hope be treated when that day arrives.
However, as long as there's breath in her body, and even into eternity, she'll
always be your mother. If you need her, she'll be right there at your side,
ready to do whatever she can to help you. That's one aspect of motherhood that
will never change.
John Edward's trial has once
again focused everyone's attention the incredible stupidity of people who put
everything at risk for the sake of an illicit sexual affair. By television, we
witnessed the sad spectacle of a successful, capable politician standing before
his wife, who was seriously ill with cancer, his children, his constituents,
indeed the whole world admitting to his guilt, even as his career crashed down
around his feet.
The length of his ill-conceived
affair is presently somewhat hazy, but there was certainly more than one
occasion on which he was unfaithful to his wife and his marriage vows. Besides
becoming an object of ridicule and the target of numerous tasteless jokes, Mr.
Edwards, and indeed all cheating spouses, are flirting with danger when they
embark on illicit liaisons.
Anyone who engages in sex outside
of marriage is not exactly a model of propriety. The married deceiver may get
more than he bargained for, in the form of a variety of sexually-transmitted
diseases. The most serious, HIV and AIDS remain incurable. If infected, the
patient must take a daily cocktail of drugs to keep on living, although his
life span may be significantly shortened. In addition, he puts his wife at risk
by continuing to engage in conjugal relations before symptoms of his disease
appear.
He also puts himself and his
paramour at risk, should either of their marriage partners become suspicious of
their clandestine affair. Murder has been committed for less. If the partner is
young and single, there may be a raging father or brother in the background,
anxious to avenge the scoundrel who seduced their daughter or sister.
The cheating spouse will lose the
trust of his wife. His marriage will be irrevocably damaged. If the union can
ever be patched up, it will take months of expensive and in-depth counselling.
Even then, he will never again be gifted with the same wholehearted confidence
and devotion of his wife.
John Edwards' behavior was all
the more shameful because his dying wife, Elizabeth, was tortured by the
knowledge of his continuing adulterous affair. She may have known about the
impending birth of his illicit child. His behavior probably caused her even more
anguish than the cancer that ravaged her ever-weakening body.
Perhaps the greatest long-term
damage will be suffered by his children. They are likely to be the butt of
jibes and jokes at school, as their peers follow the latest developmemts of his
trial. How can they continue to love and respect a parent who has caused them
such shame and embarrassment?
In addition, as a father, he has
lost all moral authority over their behavior in their teen-age years. The boys
may think they have a proclivity for a promiscuous lifestyle because,
"...after all, you can't fight your genes, can you?". The girls may
be left with attitudes of contempt and hostility toward all males, which they
will never overcome.
Mr. Edwards had a promising
political career ahead of him.He was as a serious presidential candidate. He
threw away a promising future for an illicit affair with a staff photographer
whom he was careless enough to impregnate. Good judgement is clearly not John
Edwards' greatest attribute.
Even cheating spouses who are not
in the public eye lose the respect of their colleagues, friends and neighbors
when their treachery becomes general knowledge, as it eventually will. No
claudesdine relationship can be hidden indefinitely.
When indiscretions becomes
general knowledge, no employer will trust the perpetrator with a position of
trust and responsibility. If he can't be loyal to his wife and family, he's
certainly not a likely candidate to be a faithful employee or an asset to the
company.
Anyone contemplating being
unfaithful to their marriage vows would be well advised to take note of John Edward's experience and reconsider. At
risk is their life, health, marriage, their children's love, respect and
emotional health , and their own career. Is it worth the risk? Only the most
deranged, arrogant, and self- deluded individual would reply to this query in
the affirmative.
To be granted a divorce or a
ruling of "dissolution of marriage" in the state of Kentucky, no
assignment of blame or proof of wrongdoing is necessary. The court need only be
convinced that the marriage is broken beyond repair.
One of the parties in the case
must have resided in Kentucky and maintained a residence there, or been
stationed there as a member of the armed services and been present in the state
for 180 days before filing the petition.
The parties must have lived apart
for 60 days. Living apart may include residing under the same roof without
having had sexual relations.
Both of the parties involved in
the action must state under oath or affirmation that the marriage is
irretrievably broken. Alternately, one party must state this to be a fact, and
the other party must fail to deny it.
If one party objects to the
divorce, the court will grant a decree of legal separation for one year, after
which, on the request of either party, the decree will become a decree of
dissolution of marriage.
The court may order a
conciliation conference. In cases of domestic abuse, the conference must be
requested by the victim, given without coercion and as an alternative or
adjunct to the divorce decree sought by the victim.
Marital property shall be divided
equally taking into account the contributions of each spouse to the marital
property, including contributions of the spouse as homemaker, the value of
property belonging to each, the length of the marriage, and the future economic
status which might be expected for each one. The right to live in the family
home may be awarded to the spouse having custody of the children.
Marital property includes all
property acquired by either spouse after marriage, but before a decree of legal
separation has been granted. There are several exceptions:
(a) property gained by gift,
bequest, devise or descent to either one exclusively, provided that the other
did not contribute to its acquisition,
(b) property owned before
marriage, or gained by trading property acquired before marriage,
(c) property excluded by valid
agreement between the parties
(d) the increase in value of
property gained before marriage, provided that the increase did not occur from
the efforts of couple during marriage.
The court may grant maintenance
payments to a spouse who will not be able to afford to provide for his/her
reasonable needs, who is unable to find appropriate employment, or who must
stay home to care for a dependent or special needs child.
The order for maintenance will take
into account the following factors:
(i) the financial circumstances
of the spouse requesting maintenance, the needs of the children, including a
fair sum to be paid for providing custodial care,
(ii) the plausibility, time and
cost of retraining so that appropriate employment for the spouse receiving
maintenance may be found,
(iii) the standard of living
established during the marriage,
(iv) the age, physical and mental
health of the spouse requesting maintenance
(v) the ability of the spouse who
will be paying, to meet his or her own needs after making the requested
payments.
Divorce is usually a difficult
and emotionally traumatic exercise for the individuals involved and their
children. The state of Kentucky has established laws and guidelines which will
resolve an unhappy situation as quickly, as equitably and with as little
confusion and stress and as possible.
Eliminating the necessity to
prove wrongdoing or to establish blame makes the entire procedure less
stressful. It enables both parties to put the past behind them with less
bitterness, and to direct their energies into getting on with their lives.
Children growing up in
single-parent families have been proven to be at greater risk for physical and
emotional illnesses, juvenile delinquency, dropping out of school early, and
drug or alcohol abuse. Three out of four teen suicide victims come from broken
homes, and 70% of long-term prison inmates were raised in single-parent
families. Research has shown that divorce is more traumatic for a child than
the death of a parent.
However, in this imperfect world,
divorces and break-ups will continue to occur. Since that is a fact, it is
important that parents try to minimise the effects on their children, not an
easy feat at a time when they themselves are likely to be experiencing a severe
emotional upheaval. Here are a few suggestions which may help:
* Encourage the children to talk
honestly about their feelings. Take time to listen. Don't ignore their fear,
sadness, guilt or anger. Acknowledge their emotions, don't judge or make light
of them.
* It's acceptable to share your
feelings with them, but do so in an appropriate manner. Don't add to their
insecurity with a remark like, "Mommy's so sad she wants to throw herself
under a bus!".
* Hide any hostility you feel toward the other parent. It's important that
children love and respect both of you. It's better to say nothing for a while,
if you honestly can't talk about your ex in a non-judgemental, neutral fashion.
* Keep their routine as normal as
possible. It's best if they can live in the same house, go to the same school,
and keep the same friends. The stress of a family break-up and the loss of one
parent's daily presence, is about all a child should be required to deal with
at one time.
* Don't engage in a competition
with your ex for the children's affections. Overindulgence and bribery won't
buy love.
* Don't use a child as a
go-between. If you have something to tell your ex, or if you want information,
be adult enough to communicate it in person.
* Never make remarks to make a
child feel guilty. "Maybe if you had tried harder in school, Dad wouldn't
have left.", is outright emotional cruelty.
* Unless your ex has a negative
influence on the children, encourage a continuing relationship. Children
benefit from having both parents in their lives.
* Inform the teacher about the
altered situation at home. Ask to be informed about any changes in attitude,
behaviour or decline in marks.
* If problems arise that you
don't feel equipped to handle, get psychological help for the child.
* Be patient with your children
and with yourself. Emotional wounds take time to heal. Instead of dwelling on
"what might have been" try to focus on planning for a brighter future
for all of you.
* Keep your own spirits up.
Children will often sense and reflect the moods and emotions of the people
around them. Take time to make new friends and have some fun. Include the
children in your activities where possible. A happy parent can't help but have
a positive effect on the atmosphere in the home.
Divorce is the greatest trauma
many children have to face. Through divorce, their family is destroyed, their
security threatened, and their way of life altered permanently. In most cases,
they are forced to grow up and assume greater responsibilities sooner than they
would have, had their family remained intact.
A wise and conscientious parent
will follow as many of these suggestions as possible in order to minimise the
long-term damage the divorce will have on their children.
With roughly half of marriages
ending in divorce, many twenty-first century parents find themselves suddenly
faced with a frightening new reality. Their spouse has departed, leaving them
with the entire responsibility of managing the ups and downs, the crises and
the surprises, the scheduling and maintenance of their family's day-to-day
existence. This is not a task for the faint-hearted, but neither is it an
impossible situation. The future holds both challenges and opportunities to the
new head of the single-parent family.
The negative aspects will likely
be the first to become apparent.
* There will be less disposable
income. Even if child-support payments are made regularly, there will be a
shortfall of funds compared to the amount previously available. The children
should be made aware of the situation, and understand, "We can't afford
it," means exactly that. Perhaps they could help out with part-time jobs,
like paper routes, if that option is practical. Everyone will have to make
sacrifices for the good of the group.
* Only one parent will make the
decisions, do the budgeting. the disciplining, and make plans and schedules for
the family. Some of the children's extracurricular activities may have to be
cut. One person has only so much time and energy. A single parent must learn to
manage these precious commodities carefully.
* Because of added efforts and
responsibility, the custodial parent may become stressed, short of patience,
and depressed. This is not good for anyone. Mom or Dad will need to be kind to
themselves, to take time for fun activities, both with the children and on
their own. They need to make time and opportunities for adult companionship.
The children will only be as happy and well-adjusted as the custodial parent.
*There will difficult times, such
as Graduations, Thanksgiving, and other celebrations when the absent parent
will be especially missed. This is the time to call on supportive family and
reliable friends as stand-ins. It won't be the same as having the other parent,
but the children may have such a good time, they'll temporarily forget that
anyone's missing.
Believe it or not, there are some
positive aspects to being the head of a single-parent family.
* Often, the home atmosphere is
more relaxed. There are no arguments between the adults, and no disagreements
about discipline. The remaining parent's word is law, and the children soon
learn to accept it.
* Meal times can be casual, if
you want to dole out chunky soup and a good vitamin pill in front of the TV for
supper, that's fine.
* The children have to accept
more responsibility both for themselves and for each other. They soon learn
that one parent can't do everything and if they don't pitch in and help out,
home will not be as pleasant a place as they wish it to be.
* After the children's bedtime,
the adult has full custody of the TV remote control.
* With a little luck, you need
never spend time with the in-laws again.
*Becoming the head of a
single-parent family is a move to the fast track to maturity and strength of
character. After a few years in this capacity, you'll find that you can handle
just about anything life will throw at you with equanimity.
When divorce occurs, it is
usually traumatic for both partners. The custodial parent must deal with the
emotional distress and, at the same time, safeguard the welfare of the children
and continue with their regular routine as much as possible. This can be a
daunting challenge, but the rewards are worth it.
In years to come, when these same
children, now adults, look at you with eyes shining in admiration and say,
"Gee, thanks. I don't know how you did it!"
And you, a calm, cool, collected
and in control adult, can say with a wry smile, "Oh, it was nothing."
And looking back, believe it or not, it won't seem all that bad.
There is a missing word in
the title as it stands: the word "fulfilling". Many relationships are
long-lasting, for reasons other than the fact both partners are happy and
content.
Some couples stay together for
financial reasons, because of a mistaken belief that it's better for the
children, because of advanced age, or simply out of habit. The relationships to
be admired, applauded and envied are not just those which are lasting, but
those which are fulfilling as well.
The responsibility for making a
relationship fulfilling lies equally with both spouses. Romantic love does not
last forever. Inevitably, maintaining a close relationship, whether it be a
marriage or a common-law relationship, depends on the people-skills and the
basic characters of both partners.
Trying to maintain a fulfilling
relationship with a rude, inconsiderate slob can be done, but it would never be
considered "fulfilling"
Those who hope to maintain a
fulfilling relationship with their significant other over a long period of time
should strive to practice the following qualities:
* Fidelity: once the initial bond
of trust is broken, it can never be completely restored. The mate with the
roving eye will not lose it just because of one discovery. The injured party
will be a nervous wreck every time the other is out of sight. A relationship in
which one partner cheats, is doomed.
* Politeness: some people are
charming to strangers, acquaintances and other family members, but to their
spouse they are rude and insulting bullies. They make the spouse into an enemy
and living with an enemy is difficult.
The marriage may be lasting if
the other partner is meek enough, but it will not be described as fulfilling,
by any stretch of the imagination.
* Trustworthiness: a spouse must
be able to leave spare change on the table without worrying that it will be
stolen. When a promise is given, it must be kept. Conversations between
partners should be private unless otherwise agreed upon.
Both partners should feel free to
express heartfelt thoughts and feelings within the privacy of the home without
fear that they will be broadcast to anyone willing to listen.
* Unselfishness: the pronouns
"I" and "mine" no longer come first in fulfilling
relationships. They are replaced by "our" and "ours".
Neither partner has a right to preferential treatment. Important decisions are
shared. A lasting relationship shouldl be a democracy, not a dictatorship.
*Self-control: parties in
relationships will have disagreements. Mature partners learn the skills of
discussion, negotiation, and compromise. Ranting, raving, screaming and temper
tantrums should have ceased after the "terrible twos", before a child
enters Kindergarten.
Anyone finding themselves
developmentally delayed in this area should impose a self-enforced
"time-out" on themselves and sign up for the first available anger
management course.
* Keeping up appearances: change
over time is inevitable. No one looks the same at 60 as they did at 20.
However, cleanliness and neatness are non-negotiable. Look at others in your
circle.
How do you measure up? When a
spouse makes suggestions, listen. They look at you every day. They are probably
aware of a few areas in which you could improve.
In closing, I submit that lasting
relationships are not the only goal to which a couple should aspire. No prizes
should be awarded to those who manage to endure 50 or more years or
unhappiness, subjugation, or dictatorship. Lasting, fulfilling marriages are
indeed woth celebrating, but they are by no means easy to procure.
Both partners must practice
fidelity, politeness, trustworthiness, unselfishness, self-control, and staying
presentable over a period of years, and that is not easy. In fact, it is darned
hard work. However, the love, peace, joy and security of having a soulmate with
whom to grow old, is well worth the effort.
When you have a friend who claims
he wants out of a bad marriage, you must say nothing. That is a decision that
belongs to your friend and to him/her alone.
If you advise him to go ahead, and
he regrets his decision later, he will claim you encouraged him to leave. If
you advise him to stay, and the situation deteriorates, he will say that he
wished he had left when he wanted to, and not listened to your bad advice. You
can't win.
Unless your friend is in actual
physical danger, it's preferable to ask him to call you when he's made definite
plans, then leave him alone to consider the consequences of his action. If and
when he does call, telling you that his decision is final and he's packing his
clothes, then you can spring into action.
If it's practical, offer him a
place to stay until he can make other arrangements. Whether or not he accepts,
the greatest act of friendship you can provide for the next few weeks is a
listening, sympathetic ear. He will want to rehash his marital problems over
and over, as a kind of catharsis.
He may also be experiencing a
grief process. When a marriage ends, it's the death of a relationship. No
matter who's at fault, or what the problems were, both parties have failed to
live up the high expectations everyone held for them at the time of their
wedding. The emotions of sadness, disappointment, anger and self-doubt have to
be worked through. It eases the process considerably to have a friend nearby
acting as a sounding board.
You can aid best by active
listening and offering sound advice, remembering that a marriage is a binding
covenant, and if there is any hope at all that it can be saved, that hope
should be encouraged. Offer to go with your friend to an initial counselling
session. If an arbitrator is needed between the marriage partners, you may be
able to fulfill that role. Perhaps the children need to be taxied back and
forth for visits. A true friend will help out wherever he can.
If, on the other hand, if the
situation seems hopeless, your friend will need your help to accept reality and
move on. Take him out to dinner and a movie. Help him reconnect with past
friends and acquaintances. Offer to see a lawyer with him to get the legal
issues underway. Go apartment hunting together and help him find suitable
accommodations and necessary furnishings. Do your best to help him focus on
hope for the future rather than on depression about the past.
When a marriage breaks up, each
partner goes from being half of a couple to being a single person again. Each
one needs support, a good friend who will stand with them until they are strong
enough to stand on their own once more. Being that friend is an honor, but it
also requires time and effort.
However, until the person leaving
the marriage makes the final decision to do so, on his own, without any
interference or advice from anyone, even the best of friends should stand aside
and wait patiently.
The "other" woman has a
bad reputation. She is often portrayed as a cold-hearted seductress who lures a
dutiful husband and father away from his devoted wife and dependent children,
so that she can take advantage of of him. She is pictured as being wined and
dined at his expense, receiving expensive gifts, perhaps having her living
accommodations subsidized and just generally being spoiled rotten, all with no
strings attached, by someone else's husband.
Actually, the other woman is a
only small and relatively unimportant part of the unfortunate scenario. If the
man is an adult, and of sound mind, he is the one to make the ultimate choice
of whether to remain faithful to his wife, or to become involved with someone
else. If he was in a loving, committed relationship and was determined to honor
to his marital vows, not even the most beautiful woman on earth could tempt him
to stray.
What then, can be said of the
other woman?
* She is perceptive. She senses a
loneliness or a lack of an important emotional factor in the man's life and
present relationship. She suspects that she would be able to fill the vacuum.
* She is realistic. She
understands that some marriages were not true unions right from the beginning.
At this point, she lets it be known that she is available, at least for
friendship. Some women take this step quite aggressively, others are more
subtle.
* She is a risk-taker. She knows
she could be taken advantage of, then thrust aside, when the target of her
romantic interest decides to return to home and hearth.
* At this junction, the man
assumes control of the situation. He must make the decision. "Should I
pursue this opportunity or ignore it?" Nothing has happened; no bridges
have been burned. He now has to decide whether to be faithful to his marriage
vows, or to move on and search for a better life. The more dishonorable males
will try to have the best of both worlds.
* The other woman is not to be
envied. She is destined to live a clandestine life, always relegated to the
shadows. She will be alone on important holidays and most of every weekend. She
cannot openly introduce her significant other to her family and friends. Her
financial advantage will not be great; most men today struggle to keep one
household running, never mind two. Meanwhile, time is passing, her biological
clock is ticking, and her physical attractiveness fades a little every day.
* If she were smarter, she would
keep her options open. How much better would it be to instruct her potential
romantic interest to free himself of all encumbrances, then to get in touch?
Meanwhile, she could continue dating others and maybe meet Mr. Right in the
process. This would be the most practical and advantageous avenue down which to
advance.
Unfortunately, the
"other" woman often allows her emotions to interfere with taking
steps which would be in her own best interest. She will probably stand by
patiently while her potential partner makes the decision, and perhaps
extricates himself from his former relationship.
However as the old adage
declares; "Nothing is permanent except change." It behooves her to
remember that her intended has walked away from his wedding vows once; these
things are always easier to do a second time
In divorce, the father should
have equal custody to his children as long as the following conditions are met:
1. He was actively involved in
their day-to-day care before the divorce. He spent as much time with them as
his job allowed, and always put their welfare before his own.
2. The children feel comfortable
and secure in his care. They accept his discipline and are not afraid of him.
3.He has suitable accommodation
for them. They will be safe and feel at home at dad's place. There is room for
extra clothes and toys. Dad is not an obsessive "neat-freak."
4. He is not presently a drug or
alcohol addict.
5. He is emotionally stable, and
has no serious physical or mental health problems.
6. He is not in trouble with the
law. He is up-to-date on maintenance and support payments.
7. He sincerely wants equal
custody, and is not just trying to make his ex miserable.
8. He is unlikely to kidnap the
children and flee to another jurisdiction.
9. He has family or friends on
whom he could call in an emergency, if the mother is not available.
10. He is willing to accept the
responsibilities and sacrifices necessary to have an important role in raising
his children. He realizes it will significantly limit his social life, and
cramp the "happy bachelor" lifestyle to which he may be aspiring.
If the father fulfills these
conditions, he should have equal custody of his children. They will benefit by
having both male and female role models with whom they can identify, by having
lots love, and affection, and by being able to spend quality time with each
parent. It can work well for parents too; they will have time to interact with
their children but also free time to pursue their own interests. There is one
overriding consideration on which both adults must agree: the welfare of the
children must always come first.
